There are encyclopedias, dictionaries, Wikipedia and lies that your mother told you when you were little. Each source of information attempts to explain to you the meaning of life, or that at the very least that you should not lie like a rug or else you will have your mouth washed out like Donald Trump is your dentist. Truth really matters, unless you are a Republican in the Excited States in which case all bets are off and God have mercy on your soul.
There is a word for everything. If not, don’t panic, the Germans will invent one, only it will sound like someone chucked a nickel down the garburator. There are even explanations for everything, if you just knew where to look. It depends if you prefer true or false. To save time and money, explain to people that you are a pretend Democrat and always tell the truth except at election time, in which case you should come to your senses.
If you look hard enough, you can even learn the truth about religion, and when you are done with that farce you will be allowed to go the distance and pretend that you have some idea of what the hell those religious whackballs are talking about. One person’s preference is another person’s pretense, you could say, but the only way to find out right from wrong or up from down is to buy the right t-shirt.
To that end, I was walking down the street one time (this was long ago, so I have an excuse if I get it wrong) and in a shop window I spotted a t-shirt with words on the front that explained all the meanings of all the world’s religions. Wow! Yes, all on one t-shirt. Obviously, Dolly Parton had never worn it while weeding in the garden because you could actually make out all the letters.
I stood there dumbfounded, having just saved a decade of going to theocracy class, and attempted to memorize the entire list. You would be better off trying to understand triginometry, or black holes (we won’t go that far) but I remembered I had something else to do at the time, so I can’t remember any more what that was. So, no t-shirt.
Now, all these years later, I told a friend who knew a guy who knew a guy and that person knew somebody who actually believed in religion, although I don’t know which religion in particular so I didn’t shun that person entirely. Because of the kindness I always show towards the dim and distracted, that person sent me the full list of religions found on a single t-shirt, and their meanings, which I share here with you today so that you can achieve full spiritual satisfaction.
First off the mark is Taoism, which you may already know is ancient wisdom found hidden in fortune cookies so you don’t have to spend too much time looking for spiritual awareness. Taoism is best described (in short form, that is) as “sh*t happens.” You can bet your next bowel movement it does, although you may need someone who understands languages written in little squiggly lines that cause myopia to read them. Far out, man, or is that Far East?
Moving on, we have Protestantism, an honest belief system that suggests we should always let sh*t happen to someone else, as we should. I don’t do protests anymore because depending on your hairstyle you could get arrested just walking down the street, but I never let sh*t that could and should happen to someone else happen to me.
In order to prevent anyone saying “he doth protest too much,” I always say “if sh*t happens you deserved it,” which is Catholicism in action, because you have to blame someone besides yourself just in case you get condemned for impure thoughts. Those people who practice Judaism ask “why does sh*t always happen to us?” It could be that they have gained a reputation for volunteering. When it comes to sludge, I say, let someone else pick up the slack for a change.
Jumping ahead to Atheism, empty minds are much like empty bowels. “No sh*t” could simply be a question of ongoing spiritual constipation. Think dirty thoughts and no doubt it will all come out in the end. TV Evangelism? You might be channeling the Food Network by mistake and we all know how that works out. Simply “send more shit” to the right street address, bozo.
Buddhism is like those drugs you hid under those rocks back when you were busy trying out Tao. If sh*t happens, say the Buddhists, then it’s not really shit. Zen Buddhism is the sound of one hand searching for toilet paper while the other is busy. Finally, Hinduism is the realization that this sh*t has happened before.
To end our spiritual discussion, I define an agnostic as a person who doesn’t believe in any of this sh*t that I just shared with you out of the kindness of my heart, instead of other bodily places that I have omitted from this lecture. That concludes our potty training for today, and may God have mercy on your bathroom paper supply.